I feel guilty about so many things in my life.
Maybe it's just me...but I have an inkling I'm not alone in this.
Here are some things I feel guilty about:
Working and not being with my kids (I work 12 hr shifts, so I don't see my girls at all on the 3 days I work)
Being with my kids and not working (I feel like I should be making money, not 'sitting at home' [clearly, this is crazy, because I'm not just sitting at home])
Doing housework when I'm home with the girls (because I'm not spending as much quality time with them)
Not doing housework when I'm home spending time with the girls (because my house isn't clean and there is laundry to be done)
I don't feed my children an organic diet--it's expensive!
Not spending enough time with God--I feel like I'm pulled in so many directions that He gets the leftovers, when He should the first of everything (maybe this is why I struggle with guilt...whoa...I just had an epiphany)
I don't always cook fresh, healthy food for my family (sometimes we eat hot dogs, pickles, and chicken nuggets)
I bribe my children with M&Ms to use the potty
My girls occasionally watch Elmo movies/television just so I get a break
Sometimes I yell at the twins and lose my temper. I hate doing that.
Not being a good pastor's wife, not doing enough at church, etc (I'm so amazingly, exceedingly far from being a 'perfect' Christian, let alone pastor's wife)
My 3 month old still hasn't had her 2 month appointment and shots
To be honest, I could go on and on. I hate guilt, and if you read my list, you can see that I just can't win. I feel guilty doing housework AND not doing housework! Sheesh. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way but I can't help it!
The thing is, I know guilt is NOT a part of God's plan for me. I know He wants more for me. God's plan for my life does not involve me sitting around in the stench of my own guilt, not seeing the amazing blessings He has placed in my life. He is a God of love, peace, and new mercies every morning.
The Lord is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love
Psalm 145:8
So here are my new goals for my life:
More time with God. I NEED to have more self-discipline in this area and I feel like once I spend more time with Him, the less self-loathing I'll feel
More scripture memorization--I want God's word on my heart, not whispers of guilt and failure
Being okay with imperfect housekeeping--my girls are only young once. Having a spotless house is a much lower priority than spending quality time with my girls. Since I work 3 days a week, I don't want my days with them to be spent obsessing about cleaning--I want to focus on them. On this same note, I want to be more organized with cleaning. Obviously, housework and laundry has to be done. I have a 'cleaning schedule' that is hanging in my kitchen--I've never once used it. It's time to do more than just hang it up! :)
I think I'm going to start small--work on these three goals. Also, I just scheduled an appointment for Olivia's check up. I can now cross that off my 'guilt' list!
Do you struggle with guilt? How do you deal with it? I'm open for suggestions and insight!
4 comments:
I feel the same way you do! Housework and time with kids is my biggest enemy. For a few months, after the kids went to bed I crashed also. Now I stay up later and wake up earlier. I hated the guilty feeling and I had to find a way to sacrifice.
I try to combine things to feel less guilt about one thing or another. Keep in mind my kids are 5 (Monty) and 2 (Agatha)
Some examples:
Laundry - Monty can fold towels. They aren't perfect, but so what? Agatha matches socks. They do these things while I fold the rest of the clothes.
Monty loves to vacuum and he has since he's been 2. I usually have to go over the area quickly, but he does the bulk of the work. Plus, it teaches that skill early on and he's getting better and better at it!
I make all of my cleaning supplies with friendly ingredients, so I often let the kids clean the tub with brushes or scrub the sinks. They love it because they get to play with water and I love it because I don't have to do it.
Agatha puts my silverware away from the dishwasher.
Monty feeds and waters the puppy.
They both collect their own clothes in the hamper and drag it to where the laundry area is.
Now, I make it sound like my children are these little slave people doing all of my housework! But it isn't. We do all of these things together...I help them and we talk and laugh. We also combo things like folding towels with learning colors and putting silverware away with counting.
It also teaches them responsibility. And we ALL get a reward when housework is done...like going to the park! Because when we all work hard, we all get to play hard :)
Hang in there mama!! We all have guilt or wish we did things differently sometimes. Just start small, make a small list each day of things you would like to accomplish.
Just remember, we all do the best we can as parents. It's not going to be perfect and the girls won't know any different! They'll remember you being there with them and all the great memories, not what they had for lunch. :)
Sending prayers your way!
Sometimes it's hard to keep on top of things with just the two of us :)
My Sister-in-law had this poem by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton hanging in my nieces nursery and I thought of it...it's pretty long but the last few lines stuck with me:
"So quiet down cobwebs;
Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby
and babies don’t keep."
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